With no more unspoiled territory in A Storm of Swords, we jump into A Feast for Crows to cover one and a half of the three chapters we’re reading in A Feast for Crows, specifically we touch upon Brienne I (Hardback page 56/Paperback page 80) and Brienne II (Hardback page 130/Paperback page 184). Ivan and Red discuss Westeros’s most famous male model, matching carpet and japes, the incredible crassness of peasants, the sincerity of Jaime Lannister, the Guild of Cookery’s “Game of Thrones” themed dinners in San Francisco, the new crypto-currency Quailcoin, and the most fearsome of fantasy creatures, the Dire Quail.
Following the reading guide provided by Michelle Victory, this is the first episode where we skip chapters so as to remain unspoiled. We start with Arya XIII (Hardback page 843/Paperback page 1027) and then skill Samwell and Jon to get to Tyrion XI (Hardback page 871/Paperback page 1062). Sansa VII will be the last chapter we read in ASoS before hopping into the few chapters from A Feast for Crows and A Dance with Dragons that have been covered in the TV Show. This week Ivan and Red yell about chickens, the importance of not leaving your tip on the floor, thirstiness, Arya and process over results, the reunion of a girl and her weapon, the correct pronunciation of croissant, famous last words in morse code, Tysha, gold diggers, and a big lead up to a terrible pun.
Tommen gets his stamp on and Jon Snow discovers the true nature of Wargs in Jaime IX and Jon X (Hardback page 818/ Paperback Page 996) of “A Storm of Swords”. Ivan and Red discuss Star Wars Machete order and Ivan’s trip to the Folsom Street Fair before moving on to Tommen being adorably atrocious, only good things happening to Ramsay Bolton, when one sword become two, Long live Jeyne, a totally legit and completely real Arya, Tommen and his ladies, Outlander being bullshit, Mammoth bread, Anomalisa, Jaffar, and tent play.
This week we’re completely lacking in Boars, but are up to our mangled necks in Gore and Swords. Ivan and Red take a break from the realms of Westeros and Essos and head for 19th century London to re-cap Showtime and Sky’s Penny Dreadful, created and written by John Logan. In this “What You Should Be Watching” episode, they discuss ravens from the Bannermen, Penny Dreadful’s horrific introduction, The Doctor’s big reveal, a victorian SRO, the best place to be located if you discover you’re in a horror film, Ava vs Eva, Feminism and the Third Reich, CGI Spiders, the scourge of pocket watches discouraging human interaction, Timothy Dalton’s Taken, lady Sherlock, guts budget, the Emmy for best face tattoo, and the logical fallacy of world murder.
Daenerys metes out justice for Ser Barristan and Ser Jorah in Danerys VI (Hardback page 803/Paperback page 977) of George R.R. Martin’s “A Storm of Swords”. Ivan and Red answer ravens from the Bannermen and discuss Johnny Cash’s appearance on Columbo, Daenerys empathizing with the plight of various gods, the freedmen’s battering members, Cleon The Butcher King, The Butcher King’s Hype-Man, Daenerys’s inner-conflict over Jorah and his crap teenage attitude, the dandy President, Ser Barristan’s cooking skills, Missandei and her duty, the red door, and spoiler-free predictions.
Jon’s reward for holding the wall is Janos Slynt and Tyrion seeks justice from the gods in Jon IX and Tyrion X (Hardback page 778/Paperback page 946) in George R.R. Martin’s “A Storm of Swords”. Nato Green of FX’s Totally Biased, The Business, and his podcast, The Nato Sessions, joins Ivan and Red to discuss translators for the deaf not being detailed enough for Game of Thrones, invented vocabulary, scorpions on decks of boats, government being run by hot 25 year-olds, Wayne Campbell taking the black, The Return of Martin Guerre, Tywin feeling political strategy viscerally, mocking your sibling’s suitors, and the physics of penetrating armor with a spear.
Jaime reminds The Kingsguard who’s in charge and Petyr Baelish gets showy with his mastery of The Game of Thrones in Jaime VIII (Hardback page 750/Paperback page 912) in George R.R. Martin’s “A Storm of Swords”. Ivan and Red discuss Ravens from the Bannermen, books vs toilet paper, Stranger in a Strange Land, Ser Barristan’s advanced age, Jaime’s professional pride, Ser Boros missing out on a once in a lifetime opportunity, Dragons vs. Dinosaurs, Petyr Baelish and Wikipedia etiquette, underestimating Cersei, strong seed, Lysa’s wedding in a box, and Ser Egan’s revenge.
This week, like Tobias Menzies, Ivan, Red, and guest Kelly Anneken take a break from the world of Game of Thrones and head for the Scottish Highlands. They’re doing a re-cap and having a borderline histrionic discussion of the Starz’ series premiere of Outlander, based on Diana Gabaldon’s Historical Romantic Science Fiction book of the same name. They discuss how to chug champagne on Victory Day, the intricacies of accent work, the purpose of neck wear, Claire and her poor memory re: Forget-Me-Nots, the advanced medical practices of 1945, making sure to check the weather for the 200 years prior to and after the current date before leaving the house, the one case where a fedora is attractive, and the reasons why we’re going to keep watching Outlander.
Arya is running out of relatives and Tyrion’s relatives all think he murdered Joffrey in Arya XII (Hardback page 726/Paperback page 883) and Tyrion IX (Hardback page 735/Paperback page 894) in George R.R. Martin’s “A Storm of Swords”. Ivan and Red discuss the realities discuss a world in which fictional dreams don’t mean anything, Sansa’s dreams by Lisa Frank, Luc Besson’s voice, the bloody Bloody gate, an update on our viking friends, lizard lions, Stilted Dialogue III, Bronn’s foreshadowing of the entire Viper vs Mountain fight, over-sincere fantasy, wolf wives, murder by scorpions, and the fascinating intricacies of Dornish inheritance law.
